Could you please cut the strings of the puppet !?

FORGET ABOUT CBT! THIS SONG SHOULD ALONE BE A THERAPY! Whenever...

Tue, 21 May 2013 10:48:00 -0400

FORGET ABOUT CBT! THIS SONG SHOULD ALONE BE A THERAPY! Whenever I feel mad and feel like going crazy, I just listen to this song and shout out loud…..and I want my anger to be healthy, and I want my anger just for me, and I need my anger not to control, yeah and I want my anger to be me…and I need to SEEEETTTTTTT MY ANGERRR FREEEE …..SETTTT IT FREEEEE

I forget EVERYTHING. Some of them come back to me days, months or even years later depending on the...

Tue, 21 May 2013 05:59:00 -0400

I forget EVERYTHING. Some of them come back to me days, months or even years later depending on the situation. I am sure that something’s wrong because this cannot be normal. I read very slow…verrrryyy slow when I am not in a hurry for something (for example, exam or homework). While I’m reading, I stop and argue about the situations that’s going on in the book or about the new stuff that I’ve just read about. Sometimes I stop reading and do some research about the thing that I’ve just read about. Based on that, I should be the last person to forget what she read………..but I forget. That’s why I read the same book or watch the same movie for millions of times. Most of the time, I remember how I felt about it, I remember the emotions it evoked in me….but not what it was about. This is really irritating. Another situation that irritates me is getting a lower score (lower than usual) in a test, when I study really hard! When I study moderately, I get a better score. When I do something carefully, I ruin it. When I don’t care that much or do not enjoy the process, it stays with me for a longer time and outcome is usually better than I expected. I don’t want to forget the books that I’ve read, I don’t want to forget the movies that I’ve watched. I don’t want to forget the paintings that I’ve seen. I don’t want to forget the names. I don’t want to forget the places that I’ve been, faces that I’ve seen…..I do not want to forget….

Video

Mon, 20 May 2013 02:15:52 -0400

This is really irritating me…People say that they care about you, find a way to be part of your...

Sat, 18 May 2013 21:04:00 -0400

This is really irritating me…People say that they care about you, find a way to be part of your life, then you start to think “hımm maybe she/he is different,” but then they find a boyfriend or girlfriend booooooooooooom “I cannot be around you anynmore. You are out of my life. Bye” 16 year old girl does that, 45 year old man does that as well. Turkish people do that, american people do that as well. So it is not based on age or culture, it is universal I guess. That is why I do not like human relationships. That is how I started to close my doors more and more…They seem to be ALL FAKE. So why you were my friend at the first place ? Because you were feeling alone at that moment? Or thought that we can be lovers and you were just waiting? Or what? I do not know. Whatever it is, I think it is so shallow. Or all the people like that search for me, come around me, and at the same time, they manage to seem different…Well, last one sounds like an exaggerated conspiracy theory…but, yes…this makes no sense to me.

Pleaseeeee world, use your precious words and actions carefully. Do not say things that you don’t mean, don’t act the way you do not feel… There is no reason for that….or should I say, no reason worths being fake.

After a long time, today I cooked. Somehow, I enjoy eating unhealthy, but I enjoy cooking healthy! Maybe it is because I started to cook when I was obsessed with healthy eating and it sticked with me. I nearly add no salt and sugar…Yes, me, no sugar..sounds weird. I don’t know what to call the food that I prepared, because I changed the recipe a lot, it tastes good though. Spinach, yogurt, oregano, a little, kinda mashed broccoli lemon, mint, potato mixed with a litttlllee onion, chicken and a lot of spices…I think that was it…maybe more. Still, I definitely need some desserts now!

Yes, sometimes I think that I am a negative person BUT can somebody tell me how it is possible to...

Fri, 17 May 2013 10:39:00 -0400

Yes, sometimes I think that I am a negative person BUT can somebody tell me how it is possible to have an idea about what’s going on exactly at this moment around the world and be positive about world and people? Don’t they follow the news? Don’t they read? I do not think that I am overreacting,actually it is the opposite.

I mean….it seems impossible….

Just finished reading the 2013 Human Development Report of UNDP and now I hate all the politics even more. All countries are just reporting the bright lies and world buys it. World=Big bubble ready to explode

It is 7.46 a.m., of course I haven’t slept and still, I will start studyng for my math exam and finish my math homework…Good for me!

So today, after more than a month waiting, I was supposed to have my DMV behind the wheel exam. I...

Fri, 17 May 2013 01:51:00 -0400

So today, after more than a month waiting, I was supposed to have my DMV behind the wheel exam. I was ready. Paid $85 for a car, went to my exam on time: NO EXAMS WILL HAPPEN TODAY! Because a dumb man thought that making bombs at home or carrying explosive materials in his car is OKAY. Because all the police department thought that closing the lanes for two days because of this man’s “hobby” is OKAY. In addition to that, today, a 19 year old dumb teen, made a phone call to my school and another school, saying he is on his way to his math class to kill himself and others. DUMB. Kill yourself at home. Noooo…I want to be on T.V. mama! At the end, he went to the counseling in my school, unarmed—of course police went there as well and caught him. But for a couple for hours all the schools (including my school and since he is a classmate, his school as well) was lockdown. AND ALL BECAUSE OF THOSE IDIOT YOUNG PEOPLE, I HAVE TO WAIT ONE MORE MONTH TO TAKE MY TEST AND I LOST $85 FOR NOTHING. Well, of course the rude, dumb lady (of course slant eyed…I call them all “asians” and people who hang out with them turn into one as well. I’ve seen that! So if you hang out with asians, in my book, you are an asian as well. Period . ) said “no, even if you paid nearly $600 to us and even we know that you will pay more, we don’t care…We will get all your money until you live out on the street!” Well, of course she said all that with different words. And guess what? Now I am dealing to get an appointment on DMV’s website again—which is always broke. Last time I got my appointment, I tried for two hours in front of the screen, trying over and over again. It goes well till the last moment, but at the last moment “system failed!” AND then after hours (long story which I do not want to get into) I got home and those stupid two young ladies talking extremely loud with “hımmmmmmmmm yeaaahh hımmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yeahhh” in every sentence, twice! For God’s sake! English is your mother tongue!!!! And after all that, I got completely out of control…rage is back. I thought that I was having an heart attack, I was all red, hot, my head was so close to blowing, my heart was in pain…breath in and out in and out sloww…slowww…….hit doors, curse…Still alive….But my head still hurts….This country is full of dumb people. I was thinking my country’s people were a little dumb and rude…somehow, even they are better!! or everybody is dumb. I CANNOT STAND DUMB PEOPLE. By “dumb”, I know what I mean and have no reason to write it over here again….And for sure I have anger issues. AND I KEEP IT ALL INSIDE. I am an extremely angry person and I’ve never got into a fight or yell at someone, even to my boyfriends, even when they did extremely unforgetable things, I just told them that I am angry and said them why I am angry then carried that anger with me, make it bigger and bigger, and had breakdowns because of it!! My anger is hurting me! Ohhh and after this awful day, my mom called for the 1000th time and I answered. Stupid me, told her all about my day, she just acted like she listened and than began talking like, “they are doing something Esin. They are listening your phone calls. How many messages did you send to me? People are trying to make you bad, make us bad…” AND SHE IS STILLLLLL CALLINNGGG….I AM TRYING TO CALM DOWN AHHHHH. I think that her situation is getting worse. She seem to be not sleeping at all. I love her whole-heartedly and of course I still do respect her, but she is driving me crazy.

Oh…and no internet connection as well. I am in our dirty kitchen because all those ladies, look pretty clean with their shiny make-ups on, but they don’t clean after themselves!! “Oh honey, men don’t see that hihih” I can hear them saying…

Last but not least, U.S. is in a situation worse than Middle East. Not because of terror, because of their own teens. This month, there was one evacuation and one lockdown in my school and every week, more than once, a teen is taking a gun and shooting people….It is like the new trend.

Anyway, I need more black tea I guess…and I am definitely turning off my phone…

I am more and more getting in peace with myself. It is so clear that, if one is not sure about where...

Wed, 15 May 2013 00:52:00 -0400

I am more and more getting in peace with myself. It is so clear that, if one is not sure about where he or she stands in life, other people will take the person to where they think he/she should stand in life. For example, I do not force myself to be somebody else. I was doing that. Because I’ve been told and felt “weird” all my life. One of the reasons for that is because I do not enjoy human company or close social interaction. Whenever I came to think about it, I think, why should I force myself to hang out with people which comes with responsibilities and trouble? Most importantly, I do not enjoy it. The problem is that, people force you to think that “it is wrong to isolate yourself.” I do not agree with that. We all have our own characteristics which makes us unique and when a person starts to feel obligated to fit in, that’s where the trouble starts I believe. If spending time away from the society makes me feel relaxed and happy, that’s how it is. I’ve been like this all my life. It is not like something bad happened and suddenly I changed and withdraw from society or it is not because I am not able to interact with other people (I thought about this possibility for a long time as well). I’ve been the girl who likes to sit in her room alone, read, write, listen to music, do nothing, move around, be dumb, be wise, walk aimlessly, get lost etc all along and I’ve always been fine with this. No, I do not hate people. I can meet up with a person and have a chat with him/her over a cup of black tea or wine, but that cannot be a regular thing. I want daily or weekly friendships, because I love hearing people’s stories and I am always eager to make a -tiny or big- positive change in another human being’s life…but that’s who I am. From now on, I don’t care when people give me the “you are a weirdo” look, I don’t care when they think that I am “crazy,” I don’t care if they think I am this or that whatever…but most importantly, I will not force myself to change! At least, definitely not on this point.

I give up. I will never be the kind of person who do things on time. I just cannot do a thing if it...

Sun, 12 May 2013 01:57:00 -0400

I give up. I will never be the kind of person who do things on time. I just cannot do a thing if it is not the last day or last minute. This sucks, because until I get things done, I do not do anything else; otherwise my guilt is killing me. That’s how I end up staying at home all day, everyday. Well, maybe it works the other way around; I am looking for a reason to stay at home..Not sure.

My search goes on for an out of the city house which comes with the same price that I pay at the moment, but as a big house with a big yard in a somewhat isolated area. Also search for the right dog breed to adopt goes on as well. I’ve always waited for the right moment to come to live with my dog(s) in an out of city house with a big yard. Now I understand that there won’t be a “right” time and I will never feel ready or prepared enough to do it. So, I guess I just have to do it. That doesn’t mean “no search, just go” of course. Search is always the essential part of my life…I hope that I can make it work and calculate the cons properly…

Just heard another story from my mom…

According to my mom, my uncle bought me a birthday present back in the days when birthday presents are the best things that can happen to me. I opened up the present, said, “thank you uncle,” kissed him with a sad face and ran into another room. My mom followed me just to see that I was crying so hard.

- I don’t wear pants mama. Why it is not a dress?? I am a girl. I do not wear pants! I hate pants.

That is the true story of a young, spoilt dresscholic. Well, I am still the same girl. I strongly dislike wearing pants and love corsets, bright floral dresses etc.. BUT NOW, in this crazy city, I am forced to wear pants because I don’t want to attract attention! Ahhhh hrrrr aghhh … And yes, I am the girl who looks for fork and knife in McDonalds, because I do not think that a lady should be forced to eat a meal that can make a mess without fork and knife. What’s wrong with me…who knows…That is why I should live far away from society, in my own kingdom. I have sincere and natural adherence to ethical and moral codes of conduct of old times. I feel like I am coming from the time of Queen Victoria’s reign…Actually, maybe I am Queen Victoria’s trapped soul in this wild modern world….hımmm let’s say, just a little more wilder due to living in a world like this (big, fake excuse).

I think….that…..I am changing my major again. Instead of doing criminology law and society as my minor, I will do it as my major and psychology as my minor. All I know is that, after long researches about UN, its internships and job opportunities and also the courses of both departments, criminology, law and society seems more relevant to the things I want to learn about and do in the future.

I will sleep…some day…

I love the dance scene in this movie. Simple and fun…...

Fri, 10 May 2013 13:38:13 -0400

I love the dance scene in this movie. Simple and fun… After another sleepless night, perfect way to start a day….DANCE!

I had a breakdown the other day for getting 44 out of a 50 point exam. Getting 20/20 and 30/30 in...

Fri, 10 May 2013 08:11:00 -0400

I had a breakdown the other day for getting 44 out of a 50 point exam. Getting 20/20 and 30/30 in math quizzes or 50/49 in the (other) Psychology exam didn’t had any positive drawback on me. The problem is that, as a person, I think a lot in the exams. I am always the person who hands the exam paper last. So when they give me a very limited time, it drives me crazy. Our lovely professor gave 30 minutes for 64 questions and she counted the minutes… “15 minutes left are you all at question 45” …..” 10 minutes left…all at question 50…If not, hurry up!” Which makes it worse is that it is abnormal psychology, so there are many tricky words in English and I CAN NOT GO FAST! If I go fast, of course I will ruin everything. I studied HARD for that exam and making 6 wrongs is too much for me. I checked my wrong answers…All dumb mistakes like reading “decrease” as “increase” or getting the sentence completely wrong…I am angry. I will still get an A if I don’t get a point 100/50 or under in the final exam…but….I think that what the teacher did was not fair…After the exam, she started to the lecture and ended it one and a half hours early, saying “she is done.” Then she set us free !!!!!!shdjakshfjaksfha Yes, I am still angry.

I am really thinking about changing my college and moving to an isolated area like North Edwards, CA. I can have a dog there and have a big house….yard, space where I can move, run, scream!! Two problems: Can I really take care of a dog…am I ready for “all”? Also, can living as an alone female be dangerous in an area like that? That’s why I should do more search…All I know is that, Esin is back…isolation is back.

Well, of course, I am in a platonic love affair….again! I see him every monday and wednesday. He is actually not completely my “type.” because I dislike skinny guys….he doesn’t even have a beard!!! And he has long hair…Wait, now I realized that he is completely not my “type.” Well, anyway..I think that I do not have a “type.” I get excited whenever I see him and of course I never talk to him (that’s how I show my love—don’t look him in the eye and do not talk). We have a huge age gap between us…He will be a young 66 year old this year. He has a lovely granddaughter and of course, he is divorced. All I know is that, even platonic love is hard for me to handle nowadays. Tonight, I will be dreaming about him as I go to sleep…and of course, he will never know about the fact that we have a great relationship…in my dreams.

I love my old library friends who are never tired of talking about the same things, EVERY SINGLE DAY! I think it is relaxing and feels good to know that there are things that never change…and I love listening, especially when people are talking about the things they are passionate about. So, it is definitely fine with me.

3 or 4 years ago…after an attempt…

- You are young and beautiful…Why do you want to kill yourself?

- Because I do not see being young and beautiful as reasons to live….and I cannot see a reason to live.

Time and time again I have to remind myself why I’m here. I remember long, long time ago, all the...

Sat, 04 May 2013 23:38:00 -0400

Time and time again I have to remind myself why I’m here. I remember long, long time ago, all the news that I was reading and watching was making me so depressed. All I do was to write about them…I had too much sadness and anger (plus I was a teenager) inside of me. I wasn’t talking to people, because my past experiences has taught me to not to talk to people about deep stuff. Well, no one can judge me…If a person spends her whole year being teased even by her teacher by being called as “anarchist” (I was NEVER an anarchist…I was not even close!) or “nihilist,” it is a very possible outcome to never talk about her opinions about “things.” Another experience was with another teacher of mine who was “loving” me a lot, I was her best student but then one day, after she asked a question to the class, I raised my hand and answered her question which led her to ask me to come in front of the class and hit me in the middle of the class…apparently my answer was wrong! I felt like I wanted to cry and felt the need to pee, turned into red in the middle of the class…and ran out of the class after she told me to “go!” After my parents learned that (a couple of months later) and talked with my teacher (I wasn’t knowing that back then) she came and told me that she loves me and cares for me. That’s when I taught myself, if someone loves you they’ll hit you and humiliate you. That’s how I made sense out of my “educated”, “perfect” dad’s dragging my mom by pulling out her hair, on our beautiful floor, by pushing his crying daughter a side because of the fact that my mom didn’t carried enough water to home. Well, “he was loving her!” That was a coping way for me and that’s why I loved my teacher later again and she became my favorite teacher. Well, time passed, I changed, some wrongly built opinions changed, but some things never change. It is still nearly impossible for me to talk with people about important issues where anybody can have their own opinions or it is hard for me to tell my opinions or what I know. That’s why I started to write all that I keep inside and even started my own annoymous journal with a couple of other people who have something to say. That’s how, eventually, writing became a way to cope with my thoughts, ideas and feelings….But after awhile it wasn’t enough. I started to feel like a hypocrite for just criticising and doing nothing effective. Getting a banner, walking in the streets and shouting was not enough to change things and I was only stucked inside of my own country where there were/are many problems, but for sure there were much worse (“worse” for who? Worse for me) problems around the world.

I’ve always appreciated and believed in United Nations’s attempts to make a difference. They also have the power which is, in real world, even more important than intentions. I started to look for what I can do as a volunteer…which eventually made me feel more powerless. I was studying literature, which was nice but had nothing to do with my intentions. I was not wanting to be a translator or literary critic or whatsoever. What I could have offered to them beside, “I want to help”!? I was wanting to work with children, but how much knowledge I had about them and postraumatic stress disorder and psychology. Above all, was I able to cope with my own past !? That was the first time that I felt like a failure. After that I quit school and look for other voluntary work options abroad where I can “grow up” as a person and get away…but I never felt strong enough to say “I can do that” about anything. I was the mama’s girl, a spoiled brat. My mom raised me as a princess. I was living in my castle with my big problems and she was serving me whatever I need. “I want a castle mom” “okay baby, I will find a way to get one.” At 1 a.m., “I want this chocolate right now”, “Okay baby, I will go and get you one.” Well, okay, I wasn’t abusing that because deep inside I was knowing that it was not right, but if you give a child/young person the oppurtnity to not do anything and get whatever she wants without doing anything, chances are, she will do nothing or end up abusing. I was doing nothing and after awhile I started to feel like I was not capable to do anything…because I never had to do anything so I never did. How many people filled up their own glass of water near their family members at the age of 14…for the first time in their lives? I am sure not a lot. They told me that I could have broke the glass and hurt myself without being aware that they were actually hurting me by not letting me hurt myself for a couple of times in order to learn how to survive. If I didn’t beg to do something, she was ready to do all that for me. That’s why I was always trying to do all those extremely normal (and sometimes “not so normal” things secretly…as long as the “princess” in me was wanting to do of course. That’s why I felt trapped and felt like failure in the mama’s cage. Plus, she was going through psychological breakdowns and acting “weird” after her break up which happened by my dad getting her best friend. So it was a lovely crazy home for both of us…and I wasn’t able to fly, just dreaming about flying. Same as a bird….it has the ability to fly, but if you lock it inside the cage and don’t let it fly, even inside of the house, it does not matter if you set it free after a couple of years, it won’t be able to fly and will just want to go back to it’s cage again. I won’t even add the fact that there is no way for it to survive if you set it outside of the house where it will be forced to find it’s own meal and surive. You served it in that beautiful cage all those years! That bird was me and it was scary…and that’s why I am here right now. In order to grow up alone, in an environment that is completely unknown and which is one of the world’s most complex cities. I need to improve my English, make it perfect and get the education that I want in order to work with children who are in need of the help of people who were more fortunate than they are. I want to be the person those children can run to, because I know what it feels to run away from home, having nowhere to go and ending up in an unhealthy environment again. Many children are going through things that I can’t even compare with what I’ve been through. People are telling them how far they can walk in order to surive, because there are landmines everywhere! etc etc…My plan was to study Psychology when I moved here, but now I want to study Psychology and something related to law and criminology. Because to be able to change the rules of the game, I have to learn the rules very well and start to play the game….but first, I have to know who I am, what I am and I am not capable to do. All I wish right now, is to stay away from emotional ups and downs because what I know is that, I have a big tendecy for self-sabotage which makes me live on the edge…If I can survive, it might be good…Well, that’s why I am here anyway.

P.S.: Just read an old message from the person who encouraged me to start a public blog…This gives me some courage.

………….I think of you i remember someone struggling with her sensitive nature, able to give so much and yet on the border of turning in on herself, turning away from the world… and yet having the courage to go across to the other side of the planet to study, to embark on an entirely new adventure. I think of you working with kids and imagine how great at it you would be, how you would be able to empathise so well with their struggle for identity and help them through it.

I think of you as someone kind and supportive, i remember so well how you would listen to all my crazy ideas and encourage me, making me feel less alone…………

Parole Officer No. 2: Minnie Barton and the Crusade for Lost Women | Lost Landmarks | Land of Sunshine | KCET

Sat, 04 May 2013 02:34:19 -0400

Parole Officer No. 2: Minnie Barton and the Crusade for Lost Women | Lost Landmarks | Land of Sunshine | KCET:

LAPD’s second ever female officer founded halfway homes for lost women and children, paving the way for programs for at-risk youths and adults throughout Los Angeles.

Such an inspiration…

I am angry! UC Irvine is the only school that I want to transfer because of the law school on campus...

Fri, 03 May 2013 21:36:00 -0400

I am angry! UC Irvine is the only school that I want to transfer because of the law school on campus and great criminology, law and society department which I am thinking as a minor. The problem is that, it is the only school under University of California which requires a transferable math course to be done by the end of summer in order to be eligible to apply for transfer admission guarantee program. I have 3.85 GPA, but who cares! WE LOVE MATH and we want it as soon as possible!!! I am just a girl who hates uncertainty and thanks to my life, no matter how hard I try to make it different, it is all about uncertainty, always vague…I hate math and even the fact that I got 85 in my last exam won’t change this fact! It was always a problem in my life…still, it is a problem.

I woke up late (because I went to bed at 11.30 a.m.) with an attack. I put on a XXXXXL pink denim...

Thu, 02 May 2013 23:46:00 -0400

I woke up late (because I went to bed at 11.30 a.m.) with an attack. I put on a XXXXXL pink denim shirt, got out before I manage to open up my eyes and started to walk. I walked for nearly four hours (maybe more) without being able to stop. There is something about walking….I learned how to run before I learned how to walk. According to my family, my parents left me at my grandparent’s house and went on a vacation. The first day that I woke up, I somehow managed to get out of the bed and ran from one side of the house to another, crying, searching for mom. That’s my first “walk!” Since then, if there is a problem, I just leave and start to walk verrrryyy fast (by “fast”, I mean …really fast! Road Runner can look like a sick 90 year old woman compared to me) I don’t go anywhere specific, I just “go!” Mostly I end up getting lost but finding my way back home eventually. I was doing that when my parent’s were arguing. I was a little child and it was dangerous, but because of their love for fighting, they were sometimes finding out that I was gone after hours and “catching” me on a street corner, taking me back home, promising they will never fight again. Well, of course lie. Even after their divorce (which made me so happy back then) they were meeting up to fight! Anyway, today was one of those days I guess…Walking is a way of relaxation for sure. It makes me think that, “”you know what, I can walk away…walk…go…go to nowhere….until I fall down….leave…and there won’t be anyone to stop me….I do not have to stand anything. I am free!” Funny thing is that I don’t like hiking. I did it once and it was so boring for me. I have to walk in the city and with my bag. Without a small bag, I don’t know what to do with my hands which is making me anxious….and subconsciously, I am always looking for an excuse to feel anxious….

Now, I am back in my cage, drinking a glass of cheap sauvignon blanc and chatting with Blake Aaron’s guitar.

I am close to be sure that there can not be a logical person who is in economic welfare. I am beginning to think, when people earn money, they just throw away their brains to an isolated area, saying, “Nahhh I don’t need it anymore!”

There is a thing called sugar addiction, there has been many researches going on about it and I just...

Thu, 02 May 2013 04:18:00 -0400

There is a thing called sugar addiction, there has been many researches going on about it and I just learned that! This has been a problem for me for a long time. Even today, on my way back home, I was secretly having an attack: “I need desserts…I need sugar.” Got home, ate two pieces of chocolate mousse cakes, one cheesecake and one chocolate cake…now I feel…normal. I don’t tell this to anyone of course, well everyone knows that I mostly eat desserts, but I am sure that there is no way that they can get me when I say “I desperately need a certain amount of sugar to function normally.” Funny thing is that I drink NO water and normally I should have been dead by now. Anyway, yes, I do get angry, nervous, stressed if I don’t eat desserts which is just like a drug addiction. “Researchers say that sugar and the taste of sweet is said to stimulate the brain by activating beta endorphin receptor sites, the same chemicals activated in the brain by the ingestion of heroin and morphine.” That explains a lot.

Lord (so, now I am a believer again!) knows that all my life, I had many, not so usual addictions, obsessions and fetishes.. When I say addiction, I really mean it…not exaggerating it. I was addicted to diuretics and no, it didn’t start with the intention of losing weight…My addiction got into a point where I was sure that I was accidentally going to kill myself because I was taking 6 pills a day…sometimes more. Looong story…Alcohol was the only addiction that I went through which is also a common addiction. I was waking up just to take the tequila bottle out of the refrigerator, then getting into my bed and drinking..drinking..drinking…drinking with Tom Waits and Pink Floyd. My excuse was: Some people HAVE TO drink. Because we think a lot, we care a lot and in order to come to the same level with other people, we have to drink and get a little numb so that we can care less!” Those were the terrible times…In my drunk nights (every single night) I was seeing imaginary things and doing things that I don’t remember later on and saying, “No, I didn’t throw that table away and put those bottles that way.” I was saying that there were people getting inside the house and doing all that. Because, I was sure about a guy who was coming into the house! It was always the same guy with a funny shaped hat. Crazy…crazy days. After I got into the edge of dying one day (mom found me in a half conscious state where I was lying in the middle of a blood vomit), I stopped drinking. What else… walking without putting my feet on any lines on the ground! What else… I was obsessed with touching everything 3 times. Impossible to describe. For example, III wwwaaasss dddoooiiinnnggg this. I pushed that once, so two times more! As anyone can guess, it was driving people mad. I was obsessed with how things stand still. “Shoes have to stay this way, socks this way, my pencils this way…” “This way” represents some “weird” but to the old me, some “logical” shapes. Did someone accidentally changed how my pencils staying on the table? Of course I have to go and put them in the position they HAVE TO be! What else…sitting upside down. Not out in the public, but at home, I was sitting upside down…My head was hanging out of the couch and facing the ground, because I was addicted to that feeling of the blood going all the way to my head and believing that I was “wrong,” I should have been created upside down, the other way. Blood…lol. I was cutting myself just to suck blood. What else…Embarrassing…as a child, I was masturbating in front of my dad…but only in front of him…I won’t get into the stripping thing! Again, as a child, I was obsessed with strippers (it was fun for me) and I was stripping and dancing in front of my dad! Ahh now I am remembering all that again -blurry though- and feel really embarrassed! As I grew up, they tried hard to stop me…Of course it stopped. But as I grew up, different kinds of fetishes have arisen. Some of them I got over, some of them are still staying with me, but I am learning to be in control and know the limits. What else…what else….many..many…Different kinds of pill addictions. I got addicted to many useless pills. Again, non of them were making me feel better or see imaginary, brilliant things. That’s why it was hard for people to understand. But I had my own beliefs about them…When I was a child, I was believing that my heart is stopping because I was walking around the house, putting my hand on my heart and telling my mom “my heart hurts mom…it hurts!” Of course, all the doctors told: “It is psychological!” Actually, that is the basic sentence that I heard as an answer to all my problems! :) I am laughing and feeling sad about all that. Those are just a few….there are millions of more. After a while, I began to think that I am addicted to being addicted or obsessed. But they all go away in time…So, back in the day, my biggest problem right now is sugar addiction because it is the one that has got a huge effect on my life. Anyway,now I have to continue reading some research papers about the addiction as I eat my chocolate mousse.

I will start studying, I believe…

I’ve been dealing with assembling the table that I bought. Somehow they thought that inserting...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 23:00:00 -0400

I’ve been dealing with assembling the table that I bought. Somehow they thought that inserting screws and pins into imaginary holes is possible!! I am trying to open up a hole, but no way, can’t go all the way…

I asked my neighbor how she assembled her table…”oh sweety, that’s what boys are for hahaha!” So I made two songs as I was dealing with the table…

1- Dumb girls, catch your brains! They are up up up in the air

2- Mr handyman, come and repair this old maid heart of mine

I am not sure if I will be able to assembly this table tonight, but I am sure that it is very inspiring!!

Okay, I will make a dumb cover of “solitary man” as “solitary woman” and kill the song. Anyway, I will be the only one who will listen at the end….The solitary woman….

I think that I missed my daughter just a liiiitttttttle bit. Sorry…I meant, my mom!

After hours and hours…

So far, definitely my chair and desk resembles my life. Loose and missing screws, swinging all the time—can’t stand still and ready to fall into pieces…just one big strike can be enough. Still, it looks lovely somehow…fragile…like a butterfy…It is easy to tell that it cannot last long this way, that’s why you love it in that short period of time; by knowing that it’s life will be short but it carries some different colors that not most of the other creatures have. Well, anyway, my english sucks now. I can feel it. I’ll take a shower….My body hurts a lot and I cannot feel my fingers.

This is getting really weird….I read in my dreams…everyday! For the last 3 weeks or more,...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 04:24:00 -0400

This is getting really weird….I read in my dreams…everyday! For the last 3 weeks or more, I’ve been reading articles and newspaper columns in my dreams. What is more weird is that for a moment, I realize that I am reading in my dream and then that conscious stage disappears again…and back to reading. When I wake up, I do not remember what I read about. All I know is that I read a lot and mostly articles and news…Though not the ones in my waking life. Hımmm can it be some kind of an early edition?? I can save lives!

I use my time wisely. For example, I spend my hours making the list of items that inspire me. I won’t/can’t even buy them, because I don’t have the money and dress sizes are not always suitable, but still…I love living another lives in parallel universes…and I do have them out there. Well, I already have 4 lives—I have to continue making lists…And this life of mine is the worst one for sure, because I don’t pay enough attention.

http://www.etsy.com/people/hoboangel

So today is International Jazz Day. Well, I don’t think that I need a reason to listen just a little more jazz…Jazz., jazz up my night…

Live from istanbul….

http://live.jazzday.com/

Yes. Finally got my answer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosopamnesia I know that it is rude to look people in the face, interact with them and do not even say “hi” again, but……………I CANNOT RECOGNIZE people! I forget eveything, but especially faces!

Please world tell me that I am not the only woman in the world who sits at a corner in downtown L.A....

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 22:28:00 -0400

Please world tell me that I am not the only woman in the world who sits at a corner in downtown L.A. with her high heels and floral dress on, listening to the words of other blue women and men like Ma Rainey, Solomon Burke, B.B. King, Bessie Smith, staring around with sad eyes and thinking about nothing and everything after her unexpected date at McDonalds with an old, lonely but somehow “happy” homeless pal…

Life is not even weird at all, but me saying that is scary. All I know is that, as an excuse for “growing up,” I do not want to change.

At the nail saloon….After a looooooooooong time, I kissed my monies goodbye and told them that I really love them, but I have to do it. We argued, but I got into the saloon for a pedicure.

After awhile, as the ladies were talking and I was reading my comic book, I stopped reading and started to listen to them. So they started to talk with me and the conversation came at this point:

W.: It is really important to come for a manicure and pedicure twice a month. You should come too honey.

Me: It is hard for me. It costs money.

W.: Yes, but in L.A., when people look at you, at the end, they look at your nails as well. And if they don’t look good…too bad. You should take care of them professionally.

Me: I don’t think that I want to be be in the same room with the people who will judge me by my nails. Also, I can’t even save enough money for opera. I only had the chance to go one time since I’ve moved here. That’s why regular pedicure/manicure is not a priority for me.

….all the ladies were silent for a minute, then they started to talk to each other again and of course I was out of the conversation. Now, do I have to think again why I do not have any female friends (okay, just 1.5 female friends) and why females hate me? I don’t think so….

I was trying to figure out something….I don’t want a relationship in my life. I think there is nothing that I can offer to a person at the moment and I’m not open for the idea of having someone in my life. It’s not because I wanna party, have “fun” and sleep with different people etc…it is because I’m dealing with my own problems and trying to create myself. Yes, sometimes it sounds good, a person to share the good and bad times and of course I sometimes see a nice bearded man and think, “he looks a little like an alien too,” but generally speaking, no, cannot handle. It sounds more like a baggage. Plus, especially in L.A., everybody is the same and that prototype, is definitely not my type. As I was reading some stuff, I realized something…As far as I can see, women use the word “man” or “relationship” together with the word “need,” well actually same goes for men, anyway. It shouldn’t be a “need” right!? Isn’t it scary and dangerous?? Needing someone or something is not healthy at all. When you need alcohol or drug or a pill to get by, you go to a doctor. Isn’t that the same! I think that whole relationship thing is not healthy nowadays, because most people look at it from an unhealthy perspective…

Sometimes even I am scared of my perfectionism. I am sure that I spend more time on writing a note,...

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 04:44:00 -0400

Sometimes even I am scared of my perfectionism. I am sure that I spend more time on writing a note, excuse me, a letter to the ups delivery man, than most people spend time on writing a love letter. If I say that I used scissors, scotch tape, ruler, two pages (in order write with the perfect handwriting and place the words correctly on the paper) and google (in order figure out the correct way to do it) that can be enough I guess. And people ask me how I spend my time at home? How I don’t get bored!? Well, even the simplest things are big deals in my life. Maybe I am crazy, but I feel normal.

Just got an email which starts like: Dear … student E.A., You were identified because of your...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 22:24:00 -0400

Just got an email which starts like:

Dear … student E.A.,

You were identified because of your interest in Political Science.

… then Esin goes mad… Well, “politics” and “identified” in the same sentence…I have right to be mad! “How the hell did they identify me!? How..how..how…no privacy!?? What..what..what….I never talk to people about politics! Actually I do the opposite and act like I just know that there is a president and that’s it…That’s the trick that I always use….all the time…there is no way!” I started to talk to myself as I walk around the room and after awhile, read the rest of the email. Apparently, it was about a program in UCLA which I am invited to go….of course about political science, which will mainly focus on the study of Supreme Court decision making progress.

Yesterday it was scary as well. My psychology professor, who is from UCLA and mostly busy with talking how successful she is, her famous clients bla bla, told me to see her at the break while she was handling back four of my papers which were mostly –in my opinion- badly written since I was working at that time, plus I was sure that there were many grammar mistakes, plus two of them were focusing on chemistry—which I’m not good at. Also because of a previous conflict, I was sure that she was hating me. She wasn’t even knowing my name. Anyway, I went to talk with her at the break. She asked me if I will go to the graduate school. Of course in 2 seconds I made up a scenario which goes like: She will say, “Never go! Actually, I think you should drop out of college right now!” Just in a second, I pulled myself together and said, “I’m not sure,” with my blank eyes staring back at her. She told me that she read all my papers and they are so far one of the best papers she read in the undregraduate level and I am writing at the academic level etc etc…a lot of good stuff that I still do not believe…As a conclusion, she told me that I should definitely go to a graduate school, especially in the Psychology field…but no matter which field, I should go. I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ARE GOOD TO ME and tell me good things! I appreciate it, but somehow I don’t believe them. I know, huge insecurtiy…but…that’s how it is. I still think that she was being sarcastic. I guess she read my mind because as I was walking away she told me that she is serious and when we were back in class, she was knowing my name…

If I get one more call from the stupid DIRECT TV, I will throw away my phone. They are calling 24 hours, early in the morning, late at night and sending text messages about imaginary payments I have to make….I’ve never had direct tv. I’ve never had a TV !! I googled it and read many complaints about the same issue that I’ve been going through. I told them to “not call” millions of times but….no way to escape!!